Week 7 Topical belt: ((Legend)) vs. Ruck

[Plot]

10-15 bars due Tuesday, please match yur opponent.
Remember to check & vote so the league stays poppin.
Topic: (a) Yur a crack baby in the womb
(b) Yur caught red-handed shop-lifting at the mall

[Ruck]

how you gon post a ns bars then, now post "immortal" text rapper.

My...
Hands were red with the scent of bread
not baked but caked with green instead
irriatble commotion about money and love
till, the video game with a funny type buzz
centered my attention and caught my direction
it also made me mix words that had no complextion
tried to swift glance around to see the recorders
instead i saw a security guard with legs like his daughters
"pfft, this grease ball cant keep up speed with me"
attendant asked if need help but i didnt need it see...
i knew my plan, place time and situation
ima steal the disc and plug in my playstation
one chance, if i get caught, its juvi, im done
my chances,
better then the lottery, a million to one
my friends would prop and give mutual respect
but my conscience would haunt me and i wouldnt forget
fuck it, stuff the game in the jacket and leave with speed
although, ashamed of my actions i was addicted to greed
blasted through the door and the guards pursuit
jumped a booth and dropped the loot
security grabbed me and told me that was a hefty chase
then he showed me the game and all i saw was an empty case.

[Kaeo.Seru]

Ole Joe Schmoe fresh out on parole
is back in the belly of the beast that swallowed him hole
and kept him young minded though his body was old
and his strong hands couldn't break the Barrio's hold
you really should know for his child his honor was gold
but his lifestyle made it hard to provide for her so,
he went out of control for her he would rob and steal
on the real He'd rather die then deny her will
and he promised, a dress he would buy her for next prom
Problem: nobody would hire an Ex-Con
Solution: he'd rob the store at gun point and just run
...and you thought he retired the techs, huh?
so 1st things 1st they went to the mall on a visit
she had to find a dress plus get it fitted
please pay attention Joe wasn't quick witted
he planned a snatch and run ole boy was quick wit it
"How would you like to pay?" she say's as time lingers
"Don't worry I got a discount of 5 fingers"
then he turned 180 degrees and made a mad dash
mall securtiy zoomed fast on his black ass
soon he backflashed to 2 previous jail stints
him bent over cell sinks eyes shrunk to a frail squint
"I can't let them catch me the Prom starts at nine"
plus he hated the feeling of objects cuming from behind
So he reached for his waist and unloaded his nine
then saw himself in third person just frozen in time
seemed like a dream or a puase in the matrix
press play to see the gaurds returning the shell cases
which put a stop to his life as he was fleeing the scene
got his hands covered in blood reaching to please

[Fluent]

Vote: Legend

Ruck, this was alright, but definitely not one of your better efforts. I thought that your story ended too abruptly, it was like you were just writing about the build up but didn't bother to finish the story on the same level. Every topical should be set up by the first few bars but 8 bars is a little too long I think. This is fine if the second half of your topical is also of exceptional detail but I thought that if you're going to write about being caught in the mall red handed shop lifting, you don't want the setup to that event overshadowing the purpose of the story itself.

one chance, if i get caught, its juvi, im done
my chances,
better then the lottery, a million to one
my friends would prop and give mutual respect
but my conscience would haunt me and i wouldnt forget
^ This section should have been taken out in particular. You're basically calling yourself an idiot for trying to do this and also shallow/desperate for the acceptance of others. The purpose of fueling your greed was alright, but you should have narrowed it down more and made it more relevant by doing something like you're addicted to gaming and you'll do anything to fuel that particular greed. Greed by itself seemed too open ended.

The end was pretty good, I was just disappointed that you chose to leave it so underdeveloped. You should have taken out the section I mentioned, and thrown in a few more bars to give the pretty good ending some justice. Overall, don't end it until it's finished, that was the real problem and is what held you back.

Legend, I thought your story was pretty polished, it made more sense when I read it. The purpose was clear and believable, the buildup was appropriate, and the ending was pretty good. That objects cuming from behind line was pretty corny. You provided the reason why the main character would be motivated to shoplift/rob a mall store. The ending section could have been a little more detailed, it also seemed kinda rushed, but it did relate back to the reason for committing the act in the first place so that helped a bit. Overall, you've had better pieces, but your story made more sense, was better written, and seemed more focused.

[Kaeo.Seru]

All freeposts and no show bars have been removed

[Ruck]

you know you bitched on this one.

[Kaeo.Seru]

what do you mean by "Bitched"

[Byrdie]

"I can't let them catch me the Prom starts at nine"
plus he hated the feeling of objects cuming from behind

My fav line from Legend....I felt ur story more so then i did rucks simply becuz it didnt seem generic to me......the climax of the story is wat really did it for me...u know how he couldnt deny her will and all that.....the flow was smooth and nice....errthing else was on point


i knew my plan, place time and situation
ima steal the disc and plug in my playstation

My fav. line from ruck.....Ur story was good ruck but didnt top legend simply becuz i felt u didnt really try u just put something together and that wasnt a way to go....i mean ur beginning was nice but ended wrong to me.....u had a nice lil flow and all but the story aspect of it wasnt hittin for me


Vote Legend

[Ruck]

by bitched i mean -

posted some shit about me posting a ns bar and complaining for me to get my stuff up..which i did asap.. which ment it was rushed and what not. then you take your time gettin yours up.

its whatever. good verse

[Kaeo.Seru]

dude I rushed my verse as well. notice the quality of that verse vs theones i drop in open mic or the one i dropped last week. if i would a took my time and prefected the verse it would look much different. its not my fault you waited so long to post a verse.

[Hoodini]

haha ruck beat you, the ending was tight as hell

[Maestro]

To Be Honest I Didnt Like The Topic 2 Much,..
Felt It Didnt Leave Alot Of Room To Be That Creative Without Saying Stuff You've Heard 100 Times Before,...

Felt Ruck Was Trying 2 Rhyme Somewhat In His Verse
Started Off Aight,..Flowed Nicely
Way You Went With The Topic Was Aight Coulda Been Better,...

one chance, if i get caught, its juvi, im done
my chances,
better then the lottery, a million to one

^ Only Highlight Was Aight,....


Legend,

and he promised, a dress he would buy her for next prom
Problem: nobody would hire an Ex-Con
Solution: he'd rob the store at gun point and just run

Was Nice ^^

Flowed Aight
Felt You Went Wit The Topic A Bit Better Was Into Your Verse A Bit More
More Depth,...Imagery Was Better


Overall A Decent Battle
Both Came Aight

But Vote: Legend

[Ruck]

waited so long? wtf.


nice win, see you next week.