Topical No.2 : ((Stockholm)) vs. Tirant

[Plot]

10-12 bars Due Sunday
Please check, match & Pm your opponent.
Topic will be up tomorrow

[Stockholm]

Check!

This is about trying to escape from the casket, but ends up being tortured.
I sort of keyed some parts to speed this up, but meh.

[Intro]
I am tough but now I have spine tingling fears
I realized, I’m only big in the house of mirrors

Mechanically speaking. I grab tools such as myself
I’m so lonely; I bang myself, till I’m low on health
Slide my fingers against the wood, give skin slivers
Play pool my head, & stop when I spill blood rivers
Stuck In here Is like See(ing)-Saw, I need one now
I need some help to pass time & I only wonder how
Peel wood. Its blank, like the chip off the old block
I wear drop-dead fashion. No one’ll see me rock-it
Don’t need a twin to keep me company, just reality
I’ll never pass-away even with my split personality
So scared. I shake bark by bark with the carved tree
I want to hang from a branch n’ fall so I die & leave
In a box, patiently waiting till a magic trick happens
So starving, I’d eat leftovers from the dirty napkins
Throw punches at myself. It hurt, like son of a bitch
Ouch, number of hits was more than a Matrix glitch
I forced so many kicks & I decided to add a counter
I’m a cat, & still not found by dog the bounty hunter
Rest in pieces. Cut myself. Form my legs in a seven
A lucky number, I stabbed myself at gates in heaven


*Chip Off the Old Block Is a Spitting Image (Looking like Someone)
*A Counter is used on websites to count visits

[Plot]

Dont matter to me im on this name cuz it wont let me on TiRANT....

I am tough, but now I have spine tingiling fears
I realized. I’m only bigger in the house of mirrors

Two of my lines for when I come back, I'll finish writing all of it.
It will escalate into being buried alive, about how men are so
tough, and they break.

Alright since I'm out for the weekend (Thursday-Sunday), I'm wondering If I can have an extension till Monday Night, because my grandpa had a stroke, so we have to help him out.

its ok wit me , respect to ur fam man

It'll be up, when I'm done school.

same with me is that ok cuz i got to head to school soon i hve mos of it written anway ill edit this post with it

Hurry up

wow no show...

This is about trying to escape from the casket, but ends up being tortured.
I sort of keyed some parts to speed this up, but meh.

[Intro]
I am tough but now I have spine tingling fears
I realized, I’m only big in the house of mirrors

Mechanically speaking. I grab tools such as myself
I’m so lonely; I bang myself, till I’m low on health
Slide my fingers against the wood, give skin slivers
Play pool my head, & stop when I spill blood rivers
Stuck In here Is like See(ing)-Saw, I need one now
I need some help to pass time & I only wonder how
Peel wood. Its blank, like the chip off the old block
I wear drop-dead fashion. No one’ll see me rock-it
Don’t need a twin to keep me company, just reality
I’ll never pass-away even with my split personality
So scared. I shake bark by bark with the carved tree
I want to hang from a branch n’ fall so I die & leave
In a box, patiently waiting till a magic trick happens
So starving, I’d eat leftovers from the dirty napkins
Throw punches at myself. It hurt, like son of a bitch
Ouch, number of hits was more than a Matrix glitch
I forced so many kicks & I decided to add a counter
I’m a cat, & still not found by dog the bounty hunter
Rest in pieces. Cut myself. Form my legs in a seven
A lucky number, I stabbed myself at gates in heaven


*Chip Off the Old Block Is a Spitting Image (Looking like Someone)
*A Counter is used on websites to count visits

omg.... aight then lol i dont give shit gl man

Vote Up!

uppin dis...

[Plot]

Topic: Buried Alive.

[Tru Tirant]

All I hear was my heart pounding, i cant think straight
Graspin for every little breath, wish i wasnt in this state
Surrounded by darkness-wish this would end
Why cant i see my family once more before im sent
Harder to breath-I start to panic
Scratchin the surface above-cant get out, feel crazy and manic
Life flashin before me--all the memories
Knowin the world will never hear me tell this story
Last breath taken, im starting to fade away....
Thinkin of the sins ive knowing soon i will pay...
Messed with the wrong people - look at me now
Screamin for life even although knowing noone will here the sound
Lived my life the wrong way, cant i take it all back
chokin for air thats not there all of a sudden i hear a -crack-!!
splintered wood or is it my thoughts above me
i seee a bright wihite light from above is all i see
wings fluttering angel greets my soul to after life
telling me all the sins ive commited dealing with my ever day strife
It all turns dark again-wondering what happened
voice saying i failed and now im back in the casket, aint this a trend
still unkown to whats gone on, given some more air as a gift
light again then i feel hands clentched to my body that started to lift
a stranger to my eyes screamin at me-i cant here him
given another chancegotta change my life instead of livin it on the brim....

[STRONGARM]

Spell check people.. SPELL CHECK..!

Stockholm - I liked your verse rap wise.. but for a topical it had numerous problems. the biggest: It doesn't have a point. It's a topical.. but the best topical pieces tell a story.. have a direction.. have a single thought that you expand upon.. Which I didn't feel you did. Then there's the grammer.. and odd rhyme choices. Examples...

Slide my fingers against the wood, give skin slivers
Play pool my head, & stop when I spill blood rivers
[b]"Play pool my head".!? I'm assuming you forgot the "with".. also "my blood spills rivers" would have rhymed better..![b]

Peel wood. Its blank, like the chip off the old block
I wear drop-dead fashion. No one’ll see me rock-it
Again.. just "rock" would have rhymed better.. "rock-it" throws off the rhyme.

I forced so many kicks & I decided to add a counter
I’m a cat, & still not found by dog the bounty hunter
"Counter" and "Hunter" don't rhyme..!

Rest in pieces. Cut myself. Form my legs in a seven
A lucky number, I stabbed myself at gates in heaven
No. "myself" is repeated twice with no connecting multi and the overall grammer ruins what you were trying to say..!

Shit like that can take your pieces down from ill to alright.. because people, including me, hate to decipher other peoples rhymes. If I spend more time trying to figure out what you're saying instead of soaking in your rhymes.. that's a problem. YOUR PROBLEM..! Fix it.. I guarantee you'll see an immediate result in the feedback..! Flow was steady.. not the tightest, but it was all patterned.. not long line here.. short one here...




Tirant - ...Like you have Tirant..! Fucking terrible flow/structure/presentation. Shit looks sloppy as fuck and unfortunately you suffer from the same problems as Stockholm. No real point or direction in your piece. You guys both talk about being buried alive.. both talk about trying to escape.. and then dying. Nothing really creative.. no story.. both of your directions are expected and therefore boring. You could have talked about being in the morgue.. being autopsied.. going through your funeral.. and dedicated maybe 2 to 3 bars top on the actual burial part. So we as readers feel your dilema.. understand your pain. But instead you both took the literal approach.. TOPIC: BURIED ALIVE. Ok.. here's x-amount of bars on EXACTLY that. Boring.


"Screamin for life even although knowing noone will here the sound"
should be "though" and No One is two words..!

"i seee a bright wihite light from above is all i see"
WORST.. BAR.. EVER..! ugh... Fucked up ass grammer, spelling errors.. just terrible man..!


MY VOTE = STOCKHOLM Reason - Although both had problems.. both stayed on topic, boringly so. Regardless.. the one BIG thing that separted the two was flow.. Stockholm had it.. Tirant didn't. It's that simple in a close battle like this..

[Plot]

I enjoyed Stockholms a little more.
Tirant was just giiving a descriptive account in sort of narrative form which I feel was
knida too straight forward an approach to the topic.
At least Stockholm ahd some intresting bars.