Topical Belt: ((xDAMx)) vs. H.W.I.

[Plot]

10-15 bars due on Friday,
Please check by Wed or your battle will be closed.

[DAM]

My belt, yummy yummy...& I hate NOT going the full 30lines, I always use the designated limit, but I guess I will match whatever you put into it......

[1/2 Wit It]

You can go 30 if you want

The sorrowful soldier knelt at the shore - facin the seas
Closing his eyes slowly - embracin the breeze
After takin a bite out of a rotten life - it left him with a taste of grief
He had begun to feel claustrophobic in his skin, and longed for a place to breathe
He had spent so many years slaying innocent - his past became blurry itself
And he knew that the penalty for his actions would surely be death
There was no doubt in his mind that the afterlife would surely be next
But at least then his heavy burden would surely be less
He wasn't afraid of judgement, though he knew there'd be Hell to pay
So he was aware that the law had been on his trail for days
As they felt themselves nearing him they acceled the pace
Closing in on the man they felt had failed their race
When they finally got a visual, they approached the criminal
His aura was so peaceful - close to spiritual
"Battousai The Manslayer" - the captain had said
The man didn't answer - but started laughin instead
"I've contemplated my lifestyle as I graced the beach --
And I've come to realize my wrongdoings, so save the speech"
With that, a guard stepped forth with a weapon and sheath
And slowly drew the steel blade which he kept in his reach
The weary warrior rose to his feet, and lowered his head
As he took his last stand, before they amputated both of his legs

[Plot]

Topical Belt: xDAMx vs. HWI ~samurai's last stand.

[DAM]

Im so dissatisfied with this verse. I did not put much into this, blah...& grrr@HWI for going with the idea I was leaning towards when I saw the topic in the bitch thread, haha...Good shyt.....Well, without further adieu



"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay it's price."--Sun Tzu

It was a time of shogun masters screaming a fainted battle cry
In the dawn of a new era of warriors in the age of samurais..2
They would safeguard their territory as spirited defenders of land
Emblem in hand, katanas would clash to uphold the emperors clan..4
The minamoto's bushido code reigned through a senseis sword
Rebellions over the aristocracy which halted in the gempei war..6
The philosophy & culture were raised to serve then be useless
Zen buddhism & meditating while reciting the words of Confucius..8
Turbulent music was heard in the ears of those murdering ruthless
As religious implications had reformed some to convert to a Buddhist..10
Adopting numerous aristocratic ideals & many new various loves
While laying guidelines that only spared those hereditary in blood..12
The dynasty reigned from persistent attempts invading the free
Mongol intruders intending to ruin the japanese ancient regime..14
Forming 440 fleets of ships full of exasperated mongolian troops
Only to be destroyed by thunderstorms & a load of typhoons..16
Divine wind's they knew were delivered by the mark of the gods
Manifesting a defense as they strengthened their armor of bronze..18
They withstood the wars & battles that most fear & many retreat
A true warrior faces the eyes of death & sees a win in any defeat..20
Yoshikuza would grasp his sword & scream that chosen mantra
& engage in combat with his pride, loyalty & the code of honor..22
The mongol empire ventured for years till they were lost in time
As they put their best foot forward but they crossed the line..24
For centuries on, the Samurai solders held their shogunate rule
Until a newly formed government left them with no one to duel..26
Even when all fails, death was pride as their honoring corpses
The radical changes ended their hope for modernized forces..28
They joined the armies of new, to serve was japans & chinas decree
Proving that at their last stand, they learned to fight on their knees..30

[7th Crescent]

man this was tough..very nice from both..ok lets break it down..

HWI:

your verse was nice..had nice flow.. decent imagery..and a nice closer..didnt see that coming..DAMN cut off the dudes legs..thats wrong..the only thing i would say is that at times it got too repetitive..kept referring to his past deed but never got into detail wouldve like to know what he actually did..


DAM:

your verse was nice as well very nice imagery..flow was there, you used a lot of good vocab that brought me inot the verse..the ending couldve been better in my opinion but thats being picky to say the least..very nice verse..the only down fall was that it seemed like u did more a of a report on samurai then anything..


this was very difficult for me to decide..after reading them over and over and over..i had to go with the verse that left a impression..I got to go with DAM on this...his verse was just more meaty..more detail and desrcription..had HWI thrown that in there he would've got my vote..this was a sick battle..both of yall did your thing..


VOTE=DAM

[Noggah]

HWI Breakdown

The sorrowful soldier knelt at the shore - facin the seas
Closing his eyes slowly - embracin the breeze

a nice little opener...good imagery...

After takin a bite out of a rotten life - it left him with a taste of grief
He had begun to feel claustrophobic in his skin, and longed for a place to breathe

second line is real nice....good bar...

He had spent so many years slaying innocent - his past became blurry itself
And he knew that the penalty for his actions would surely be death

hmmm..logic is off.. samurai are known for honor and upholding innocence...if u were gonna mention this... shoulda gone into more detail on his evil actions...

There was no doubt in his mind that the afterlife would surely be next
But at least then his heavy burden would surely be less

dont like the 2 surelys...wording off some...decent bar...

He wasn't afraid of judgement, though he knew there'd be Hell to pay
So he was aware that the law had been on his trail for days

nice first line...second one missin somethin...still solid bar...

As they felt themselves nearing him they acceled the pace
Closing in on the man they felt had failed their race

noice...

When they finally got a visual, they approached the criminal
His aura was so peaceful - close to spiritual

another nice bar...

"Battousai The Manslayer" - the captain had said
The man didn't answer - but started laughin instead

lol...samurai X... nice reference...not necessarily his characteristics tho...

"I've contemplated my lifestyle as I graced the beach --
And I've come to realize my wrongdoings, so save the speech"

hmmm...like the concept...wording is off a little...

With that, a guard stepped forth with a weapon and sheath
And slowly drew the steel blade which he kept in his reach

nice imagery....

The weary warrior rose to his feet, and lowered his head
As he took his last stand, before they amputated both of his legs

nice little flip...again characteristics are off tho...


Overall - not really realistic per se... story tellin slacked just a little in few areas... opening came on real strong, fell off a little, picked it back up at the end....u were more in the moment then the overall being... i feel like u didnt describe a couple aspects in enough detail, while other lines had superb imagery...i was really feelin ure metaphors too... they were well done...ure flow was nice..everything flowed smoothly... had a nice flip at the end... but it shoulda gone down battle style...not just a bumrush n slice... if he was so evil he woulda fought back... iono...im a big samurai ninja person... so that worked against you... i think u coulda done a little better than this tho... still a real nice verse...





DAM Breakdown


It was a time of shogun masters screaming a fainted battle cry
In the dawn of a new era of warriors in the age of samurais..2

real nice setup...very descriptive...good wording...

They would safeguard their territory as spirited defenders of land
Emblem in hand, katanas would clash to uphold the emperors clan..4

damn...nice...

The minamoto's bushido code reigned through a senseis sword
Rebellions over the aristocracy which halted in the gempei war..6

nice shit..maybe too much info...damn googlenaut...

The philosophy & culture were raised to serve then be useless
Zen buddhism & meditating while reciting the words of Confucius..8

haha...nice...

Turbulent music was heard in the ears of those murdering ruthless
As religious implications had reformed some to convert to a Buddhist..10

interesting...but dont know if it necessarily fits...

Adopting numerous aristocratic ideals & many new various loves
While laying guidelines that only spared those hereditary in blood..12

nice...

The dynasty reigned from persistent attempts invading the free
Mongol intruders intending to ruin the japanese ancient regime..14

still at it...

Forming 440 fleets of ships full of exasperated mongolian troops
Only to be destroyed by thunderstorms & a load of typhoons..16

hmmmm...descriptively nice...

Divine wind's they knew were delivered by the mark of the gods
Manifesting a defense as they strengthened their armor of bronze..18

nice...

They withstood the wars & battles that most fear & many retreat
A true warrior faces the eyes of death & sees a win in any defeat..20

damn....nice...

Yoshikuza would grasp his sword & scream that chosen mantra
& engage in combat with his pride, loyalty & the code of honor..22

hmmm...might be a little off...works in audio almost... nice line...

The mongol empire ventured for years till they were lost in time
As they put their best foot forward but they crossed the line..24

reword...

For centuries on, the Samurai solders held their shogunate rule
Until a newly formed government left them with no one to duel..26

lol...maybe reword to make harder...still straight tho...

Even when all fails, death was pride as their honoring corpses
The radical changes ended their hope for modernized forces..28

yup....

They joined the armies of new, to serve was japans & chinas decree
Proving that at their last stand, they learned to fight on their knees..30

hmmm..not really that strong of a flip to end on....


Overall - had a lot of samurai culture usage... u used the right words...mostly at the right time... wording was impeccable for the most part...u really crammed a lot of info into most of the lines as well... you had more of the type of verse i was expecting/looking for... built up nicely... good story telling... week part was the flip... coulda done something better than that... a couple lines you coulda gone without... but they didnt necessarily take away from ya verse... they just looked a lot weeker compared to the strength of other lines...


i gotta go with Dam on this one... good battle...

vote = D.

[Vick Slate]

i personally think the topical should be 16 bars...= to an audio verse
you should be able to get your point across within a 16, 30 lines makes it very boring
and that is one reason noone votes


DAM- it was good material but i was bored as fuck since bar one, nothing exciting, i enjoyed bar 8 and stuff really started to fall apart towards the end


HWI - i really liked bars 6-12 even with the repetition

"Battousai The Manslayer" - the captain had said
The man didn't answer - but started laughin instead
...thas dope

haha good flip towards the end
nice shit HWI

vote - HWI

...your welcome PLOTTER

[Pembroke]

Topics like these can only be broadened so much, which limits the writer to what he can and cannot do with his topic. You can redefine creativity with the right topic.. or take the mandatory "Last Samurai" approach converted into rhyming language.

Half Wit It - This verse had an accurately depicted anime-like storyline. Your wording was dynamic, smooth, and just written in your own style. I re-read the ending 3 times trying to decide what was missing.. because DAM's verse on first appearance seems as bulky and ripe as his last topical verse did - which can be devastating to the opponent. (In a good way)
Nice verse with the skill displayed.

xDAMx - You have the muscle for lyricism, and it's becoming more & more evident with every topical verse that I read from you. There's some great elements of your writing, and there are also weaknesses, though few, that can be improved and surpassed. This topical verse had more than 5 or 6 excellent bars.. that expressed factuality in diction thenstead of a fictional storyline. I've noticed that you like to write in a historically derived method.. and here, the beginning and middle held much more impact then the end of your verse, which I can see why you weren't content with when you completed it. Half wit it, in his ingenious plan, managed to use your approach before you did, which just happened to me in a different way, resulting in me no showing this week. Half wit it's came together.. yours didn't, but what matters is that you had a massive backround to your storyline that possessed enough to overshadow the incompleteness of it.

They would safeguard their territory as spirited defenders of land
Emblem in hand, katanas would clash to uphold the emperors clan..4
The minamoto's bushido code reigned through a senseis sword
Rebellions over the aristocracy which halted in the gempei war..6
^Great bars. Enough for the win.

v/ xDAMx

I hope that my vote is understandable to both competitors.. DAM = rookie of the year so far.

Stay up.