Top1 Crit 2-1 Vs ((Pembroke))

[Criticize]

12 bars due monday.

check ins due prior

anyone who doesnt vote on 2 battles will get fucked up.
norm rules apply.

somebody needs to drop a topic for us..

[Pembroke]

Topic = Attack of the Roaches?

[Kaeo.Seru]

tell strongarm to drop the topic

[Criticize]

in my topicals, i always have someone non related to the battle chose the topic, but im at uni tommorow so i keystyled this shit, 10 mins with no direction in mind.

Attack of the Roaches.


im not retro you dummy, from the get-go its funny,
im set w/ no money, criticize is ghetto and bummy
i got no furniture or luxuries and i get of pay,
n my bank accounts got less than sweat shop slaves
n shit im lazy as fuck my attitudes worthless,
i cant even be fucked finishing my verses
cleanings not an option when keeping it slop,
fuck cultery or a plate i eat of last weekends pizza box/
truth is that laziness is a major part of me,
n my toilets clogged like a smokers atteries
if u think you live in filth this mans better,
i need a main and a nanny like fran drescuer
my girls just as grimey- its a bad fact,
that the last time i cleaned up was black jack
and that stack of cheddars lost as fact approaches,
that my kitchens crawling with rats and roaches/
its a sickining sight n im past that need,
having roach flash backs like last nights weed
n as far as we go im far from slightly dishonest,
that my house is fall of creepy crawlies like a night in the forest/
i cant get rid of them so i cant win yet,
i drowned one in acid- but it turned to a mutant insect
its a long job and im short n sick of patience,
my house is covered in bugs like police survilance

[Pembroke]

Sorry I'm late, I'll have my verse in the maximum of 2 days.. sorry, tight schedule. RF down?

[Criticize]

nah man, 2 days is to long, key some quick shit now.

thats what i did 2 days ago.

[Pembroke]

Attack of the Roaches!

*Horror movie scream...*

One night in Palmetto, there was a meeting in progress
A group of insects huddled on the counter, speaking in darkness
Frank made his way down the stairs, candle in hand, trying to keep discreet
But with each step he was accompanied by squeeks and creaks
He's thinking, the maid wasn't supposed to show up til' after the dawn
Then as he entered the kitchen he felt a prick on the back of his arm
Frank acted on the reflex that travelled through his skulls and limbs
Glanced to discover one gigantic rhinocerous roach perched upon his skin..
He gave a yell of surprise as it looked back at him and grinned.
After he killed the roach, peculiar sounds didn't raise any interest
Until he walked into his kitchen to discover an invasion of insects!
Frank observed open mouthed at the thousands of dominant packs
What looked to be the leader had a red spot on it's back
It saw him and said:
"Cockroaches shall rule! Goodbye, human!..." with a thunderous breath
The ceiling parted and a mechanical boot came down and crushed him to death..

[DOPE ART]

im not retro you dummy, from the get-go its funny,
im set w/ no money, criticize is ghetto and bummy
i got no furniture or luxuries and i get of pay,
n my bank accounts got less than sweat shop slaves
^good flow in the first bar, nice w/p in the 2nd

n shit im lazy as fuck my attitudes worthless,
i cant even be fucked finishing my verses
cleanings not an option when keeping it slop,
fuck cultery or a plate i eat of last weekends pizza box
truth is that laziness is a major part of me,
n my toilets clogged like a smokers atteries
^all garbage besides the last line, and it needs better wording

if u think you live in filth this mans better,
i need a main and a nanny like fran drescuer
my girls just as grimey- its a bad fact,
that the last time i cleaned up was black jack
^ha, liking the creativity

and that stack of cheddars lost as fact approaches,
that my kitchens crawling with rats and roaches/
its a sickining sight n im past that need,
having roach flash backs like last nights weed
^too simple

n as far as we go im far from slightly dishonest,
that my house is fall of creepy crawlies like a night in the forest/
i cant get rid of them so i cant win yet,
i drowned one in acid- but it turned to a mutant insect
its a long job and im short n sick of patience,
my house is covered in bugs like police survilance
^bad ending

CRIT: No story telling at all here, pretty basic and just ok minus a few nice lines.

vs

One night in Palmetto, there was a meeting in progress
A group of insects huddled on the counter, speaking in darkness
^very forced rhyming unless u speak really funny

Frank made his way down the stairs, candle in hand, trying to keep discreet
But with each step he was accompanied by squeeks and creaks
He's thinking, the maid wasn't supposed to show up til' after the dawn
Then as he entered the kitchen he felt a prick on the back of his arm
Frank acted on the reflex that travelled through his skulls and limbs
Glanced to discover one gigantic rhinocerous roach perched upon his skin..
^good story telling...basic rhyming and nothing as far as metaphors. dope imagery though

He gave a yell of surprise as it looked back at him and grinned.
After he killed the roach, peculiar sounds didn't raise any interest
Until he walked into his kitchen to discover an invasion of insects!
Frank observed open mouthed at the thousands of dominant packs
What looked to be the leader had a red spot on it's back
^nice imagery here, basic rhyming still

It saw him and said:
"Cockroaches shall rule! Goodbye, human!..." with a thunderous breath
The ceiling parted and a mechanical boot came down and crushed him to death..
^thunderous breath was a good showing of diction

PEM: rhyming was basic, flow was eh, wordplay wasn't there. story was dope, vocad was cool.

Wordplay: Crit
Flow: Crit
Metas: None
Story: Pem
Imagery: Pem
Structure: Crit
Wording: Pem by miles

VOTE: Pembroke

it was close though.

[Criticize]

i think this was too late, unfortunatly.
but i might let you slide, il see whats happening with the tag team ish.

[Fluent]

Criticize: Yeah, it's kinda obvious that this was a quick keystyle with no direction because you didn't really dig into the topic at hand. You spent too much time setting it up about why they attack/attacked you instead of actually getting into it. You only needed like 2 bars max about living in a mess to set up the story you had and you were good to go, everything else wasn't needed. You could have gotten into stuff such as what the roaches were attacking, where they attacked first, how bad was their worst and/or first strike, and so on. You basically skipped like a rock along the water instead of sinking into it, gradually grazing it with a verse that seemed like a lengthy buildup without a real peak. maybe how the attack ended in this case. I think that your last line would have been a perfect part of an opening section and not the ending part. Overall, you had some interesting individual ideas but you didn't dig deep enough into the topic's possibilities to make this one a real winner.

Pembroke: This was just too short dude, it read as a solid story, wasn't really all there when you're judging it as a rap ie flow and multi's weren't nothing special, but the end came too soon for me. I liked how you did get right into it and didn't waste any time/lines. You should write a new short story sometime because this did lack in the flow department and read more like it was a story translated into a rap instead of a story in rap form, it's mainly uses of words like He, names, him, and so on that do it. You didn't have any metaphors that I could see but that doesn't matter, I don't view them as essential and I'm not really a fan of people who only drop punchline pieces in open mic and considered themselves elite writers, doesn't work like that in my eyes. Anyway, I expected some sort of showdown to happen right after Frank saw the leader. It felt like you were missing a segment, the 8 lines short you were in this case, and just went straight to the end, big letdown. You still had the edge because you did tell a story about being attacked by roaches whereas your opponent didn't really attempt one. This wasn't super lyrical or anything but got the job done this week, I would have been more inclined to vote against you for going so short and not having one of your good drops but your opponent didn't do anything to win me over.

Vote: Pembroke

[Plot]

Uppin for votes..

[Thesis-]

ummm well

CRIT:your verse really didnt tell much of a story it was more or less saying your house is covered in bugs in many ways i guess but i liked your scheme better

Pem:like flu said it was waaay too short yet had a dope story but i didnt like your scheme as much

vote=Crit

just my opinion take it or leave it

[Kaeo.Seru]

vote= Pembroke
Reason being hist story stayed more on topic. and the suprise ending was great. Crit's verse was obviously a key and didnt really get on topic till near the end. so this was a very easy decision to make. Pembroke took it with his creativity although it lacked Crits flow Content wins topicals.

[DOPE ART]

Verbal should be banned from ever voting again on ANY battles.

now we have to wait longer for the Tag Team Tourny cause this homo drops a bum vote.

thank you fag muffin.

[Criticize]

nah.