HellRazor vs. ((7th Crescent)) -OpenMic

[Plot]

10-12 bars due Friday, (gettim in before Sat nite know what Im saying)
Check etc...

[HellRazor]

republic

[7th Crescent]

check

[7th Crescent]

Dreams paint the scenes of teens with real smiles.
Then leave faint screams that seems to echo for miles.
Whispers fall from clouds covering concrete's surface.
Listeners aren't aloud to die young and worthless.
Truths give lies and chance in the dance with life.
Help those who can't stand upright and can't live right.
Addictions and skin inflictions keep each sentence dark and true
Give permission for my head to witness a image where skies are blue.
rain is falling.. no blood from beneath these eyelids.
Insane...drawing the love that sleeps below violence
When lies are told, skies grow cold.. the moon quivers.
Souls are sold to those that hold the messages to be delivered.
I view this from a viewless cliff in the depths of my foggy mind.
pens tip sits.. inkless with intellect and a loss of time.
This society lied to me. tried to bribe me into goverment work.
I died in dreams.. too tired to scream how much this hurts.
Wishful thinking as morning interupts my nite of cover ups.
Tears are dripping from the use of drugs with arms in cuffs.
Intoxication of myself.. Never hurting no one else.. Still Arrested.
Threating my health and not asking for help.. Learned a lesson.
Don't lie to hide truths because reality will run right by you.
And your head'll get confused when drug abuse turns your lips blue.
I need to awake from this dream grab hold of the one thing I have.
A true pen.. No fakes on my team after I told truths without laughs.

[HellRazor]

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A fault in my step...stepped...fell on the faults of myself...
I lay here...restless...confused...attributed to my faltering health...
Carnage...destruction...torn...depleted all the cartilage there...
A Cancerous Cyst, apparant it is, just glare at the lost of my hair...
Or Maybe its AIDS?...stare at that Trojan I thought not should i wear...
Pair that with the burden of a stillborn...I thought not she should bare...
Was It I to She? She to me? doesnt matter... I don't really care...
But this sickness stiffens the movement of he who was once full of flare...
HEY, maybe its gout?...well The doctors would've figured That out...
Through Uric examinations...plus my feet are still stable and stout...
Open my mouth...an ulcer...well i might have Leukoplakia...
I'm hemophillic, plus theres a small pain in my trachia...
Oh, It only affects my gums? well i would've been happy with that...
I've lost 40lbs, and it doesn't seem as though I'm gaining it back...
My mind has gone wack...this disease...GOD...its killing me...
It has destroyed my spirit, both mentally and physically...
Dec 15th...I don't think i'll make it to christmas eve...
I won't get to see...my nieces and nephews christening...
My Wifes Kissing me...well thats how lifes getting me...
messing around, I've contracted something thats quite hindering..
A fault in my step...I'm still trapped in faltering health...
I lay here...wasting...attributed to the faults that I brought to myself...


the sickness.....

[Xylo]

ok you two!


ya made it tough to vote because you wrote very similar pieces as far as their moods are concerned.

7th i was deeply saddened while reading your piece it had me thinking to much lol!
i enjoyed the deep feeling you placed with in it. flow was on-off and then you hit your stride you had real nice ebb and flow from the 3rd sentence down.

my favs were.

"rain is falling.. no blood from beneath these eyelids.
Insane...drawing the love that sleeps below violence
When lies are told, skies grow cold.. the moon quivers.
Souls are sold to those that hold the messages to be delivered.
I view this from a viewless cliff in the depths of my foggy mind.
pens tip sits.. inkless with intellect and a loss of time.
This society lied to me. tried to bribe me into goverment work.
I died in dreams.. too tired to scream how much this hurts.
Wishful thinking as morning interupts my nite of cover ups.
Tears are dripping from the use of drugs with arms in cuffs."
real nice!



-vs-


Raze

your piece was deep also your flow was a bit smoother that 7ths this time and your piece also had me thinking about life and choices as a whole.

my favorite was:

"My mind has gone wack...this disease...GOD...its killing me...
It has destroyed my spirit, both mentally and physically...
Dec 15th...I don't think i'll make it to christmas eve...
I won't get to see...my nieces and nephews christening...
My Wifes Kissing me...well thats how lifes getting me...
messing around, I've contracted something thats quite hindering..
A fault in my step...I'm still trapped in faltering health...
I lay here...wasting...attributed to the faults that I brought to myself..."


after reading both 3 times throughout the course of the day i would have to vote


Draw- respectfully

[checo1219]

both pretty sik... like xylo sed razors waz smoother plus it got me thinkin. got a message out.. 7ths was hard to understand but it waz deep brotha... but since i gotta vote

im votin - Razor

[Thanatoid]

hell i think u underestimated 7th this round in my view. his metaphors where on point along with his flow. it seemed that u tried forcing some of your multies. the image was there but it did not project all that clear in some spots.

flow: 7th
personals: dont matter in this battle
punches: tie, i guess
multies: 7th
metas: 7th
w/p: tie, both where creative.
overall: 7th

i just think he edged it out.

[Noggah]

2-1 or 1-0.... uppin for votes...

[7th Crescent]

that checo vote is suspect come on 1 post...

[Kaeo.Seru]

sup wit all this sad shit? anyways i'm at work and don't have time to re-type the long breakdown i did for this b4 my boss came in and i had to exit out and pretend to do some work.. but I voted for HellRazor. his verse just connected with me better of the two. and his flow also gave him an extra edge as well as the wording. just seemed more organized as well. good showing from both.

[Beyond]

Crescent: Good verse. The strengths were the depth, the emotion, and the imagery. All very important categories when it comes to topicals. Your weakness was multies. Not necessarily rhyming, since you had plenty of internals and what not, just multies specifically. Not a big deal, to be honest. Multies aren't completely necessarily and your internals were more than enough to compensate.

Razor: Good verse. The strengths were the multies, the rhyme scheme, and the flow. All very important technical aspects to writing in general. Your weakness was that sometimes it seemed you sacrificed content for flow/multies. A specific example would be your third bar. That multie was obviously forced just so you it could be a multie, and as a result, your writing suffered because of it.

Overall: Close battle, but I see a decisive winner here. I felt that Crescent had the better verse. His content was stronger. His depth, emotion, and imagery were superior to Razor's mechanics considering Razor forced his mechanics in places. Good battle, fellas. Hope to read more from you two in the future.

Vote: 7th Crescent

[STRONGARM]

Both verses were well done.. but the deciding factor for me was overall I thought 7th had better rhymes and a better written verse. It was pretty much multis (internal) vs. multies. The biggest problem I had with your verse HellRazor was that third bar.. that shit had awkward wording and seemed completely forced for the sake of another multi..! Didn't like it. Both had interesting content. You guys both had gloomy verses aswell.. seemed weird to me that you both would take that direction since it's an Open Mic battle and not a Topical. Hmmm..


MY VOTE = 7th Crescent

Better overall verse imo.

[Pembroke]

7th Croissant - You always seem to write along the lines of similar open mic themes.. depression, drugs, and overcoming opposing forces of life. You have the basics down for your simple technique of using colors to paint your images more vivid and draw in thought provoking points of view from the reader. This is definitely solid writing, but it gets bland sometimes after awhile when the threshold of mid-verse is surpassed and nothing has changed, nothing has happened to further grip the reader's perception. And lmao @ your avatar.. there is still hope for mankind, afterall.

HellRazor - The first two introductory bars were excellent, and after that, the control of your storyline fell off.. some of the rhymes were forced, like this:

HEY, maybe its gout?...well The doctors would've figured That out...
Through Uric examinations...plus my feet are still stable and stout...
Open my mouth...an ulcer...well i might have Leukoplakia...
I'm hemophillic, plus theres a small pain in my trachia...
^The first bar is okay.. too loose of a rhythm connection, and the second bar is straight off a google search for disease names that you inserted into the bar. If you would have chosen one, and described the effects of why your character was sinking deeper into that sickness, it would have sounded well contrived.

v/ 7th Crescent

For a more well rounded verse.. sorry for my absence, I only voted on two battles this week.

Stay up.