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Spoken Word For the poets with a voice.



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Old 10-29-2007, 12:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Drunken Skies

SoundClick song info: Drunken Skies by brianHIPHOP - Song info page with free MP3 music downloads

I hold my grudge well;
Either as an internal effigy of the man
who invented the metaphor
or self-righteous purpose of meaning.
To me,
Redemption sounds a lot like police sirens
And a late night at the emergency room.
I crawled out of my grave,
in search of half moons and an open Sky.
Semantics crumbled
When mushroom clouds
Became exclamation marks.
It is now too late to forgive the Sky.
I carved my morals
from your mistakes.
My hands are your vagrant gifts
And I swear
on my abandoned mother
that they will find your resolve one day.
You held onto your contempt like a newborn child;
Ignoring your blood as it seeped into the earth.
My imagination loses breath
When the thought comes to mind
of a two year old toddler named Brian
Stumbling across shattered glass
With distilled tears racing down his puffy cheeks
and a muted cry in his throat
trying avoid the view of his mother being abused
And abused
And abused
And abused
By a Sky drained of compassion.
When I think of you
my eyes go blank,
And my stomach flaps like a wounded bird
Because your sins
are just too much to digest.
You will never
Ever
be able to fucking justify the terror in my little brother’s eyes
When we had to find shelter under a dinning room table
to survive your 40 ounce tempest.
I don’t know why
But I’m still here,
Creating poetry out of brittle clouds and blood stained dirt.
I am your moving,
Breathing,
19 year old metaphor,
Forged from shallow apologies
And promises that were never meant to be kept.
But I still look up to the Sky-
Let my memory rendezvous with your eyes.
Intangible someone;
You could never be reached
And that
is why
you are alone.
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Old 10-29-2007, 07:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

NICE..! You took all the criticism.. all the pointers that were offered and implemented them all. This piece shows that. You didn't rush through it.. you sounded more confident, more comfortable with what you were saying.. more emotion.. loved the "Never.. EVER.." emphasis..! And the following lines really conveyed the emotion. Your writing is amazing.. now your ability to put that into Audio is catching up. Very impressed by the improvement man..!

Your quality isn't that great.. my suggestion for helping with that is to add music. It'll mask the your quality.. and make it less noticable. Your choice though.. it's a very minor thing and totally optional.

Overall, good job man..! Keep them coming.
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Old 11-02-2007, 06:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

Fire wordplay and def a style i've heard at a lounge before... for an audio placed on here... i haven't really feed on them, but i'm picky as well....
Some emphasized words haven't been built up to be said emphatically...
Or the little pause between the lines of:
be able to fucking justify the terror in my little brother’s eyes
When we had to find shelter under a dinning room table
^ the little pause messed up the flow of your speech

I know it's small and picky and everything, but trust me.... when all the kinks are taken out... it'll be more powerful....

um do we judge on quality of the sound strong? i mean if not then i think it brings out the words with silence... it's an emphasis in and of itself...

b/c the audio is so bad, be careful when you emphasize a word.... it feels forced sometimes.... like the word "kept" in: "And promises that were never meant to be kept."

Nevertheless... fire my dude... def keep doing you... i'm only being picky, cuz i love the art of spoken word.... and i love spoken word artists (no homo... lol) and i want them to be acknowledged at their full potential and speak truth beyond their years... def keep writing and stay up...
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Old 11-02-2007, 11:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

man that was hard hitting.

i could give you nit picky critism, but honestly you pulled this off very well. yeah you could emphasize this word or that, but on a serious, non trivial note. your words and your pauses in this gave me goosebumps and i believe it couldn't have been done better.

one thing i'm mad about though, i wish i could see this performed live.
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Old 11-03-2007, 12:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

Quote:
Originally Posted by RealLyfe
um do we judge on quality of the sound strong?
Unless it's absolutely terrible.. like so terrible you can't even listen to the shit, I would try to avoid judging someones entire work on a track based SOLEY on that one element. My quality ain't that great and neither is most of the people on here that do this shit strictly as a hobby. So I might make mention of it.. but overall if I like someones work I can usually look past that. Like I told Ex.. it's not so much his quality is terrible.. it's the fact that it's an accapella track. If he would use some music or some background element, his quality wouldn't be so obvious. Also I believe he's using raw takes with no mixing.. so that also adds to a rougher sounding finished product. I was just amazed how well he took the criticism from his first drop on here and used all that feed to come back with this Spoken Word.. because he improved in every single category. So I would try to keep in mind that a majority of the people on here aren't recording in a studio.. so quality is always going to be an issue. But God knows if I can make passable songs with a videogame mic and sock wrapped over it for a pop filter + CEP techniques.. then anyone can..! hahahahaha...

Again Ex.Machina: Great Job..!
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Old 11-03-2007, 03:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

wow
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Old 11-03-2007, 08:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

yeah don't get it twisted.... i thought it was great as well... i'm only being nickpicky... b/c i see ex's talent... and i'm want it to grow nah mean? spoken word is my happy element in lyfe.... and he did a tremendous job... ijust think it wouldn't be doing him justice not to help him try to perfect it.... music in the background? yeah i feel the intent of it.... but the quality of this piece didn't seem so bad.... well when i listened to it..... i think it was alot more powerful without it, but i feel what you're sayin....

much props to ex.
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Old 04-18-2008, 08:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

that was amazing. all the comparasons, similies, and metaphors are brilliant. they're completly new, not based from older ones like mist poets do now, theyre completly from your imagination.
its amazing. i actuallly felt for the person described in the poem, and felt compassion.
you delivered what writers crave to do in books in a couple of lines. you took the reader into your mind. you accomplished what the media and speakers trys to do everyday, you brought us to your side, and to feel what you feel.

amazing poem.
good job.
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Old 04-20-2008, 03:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

preety impresssin; props
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Old 06-25-2008, 11:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Drunken Skies

Redemption sounds a lot like police sirens
And a late night at the emergency room.

I crawled out of my grave,
in search of half moons and an open Sky.
Semantics crumbled
When mushroom clouds
Became exclamation marks.
It is now too late to forgive the Sky.


I don't know what it was but i loved these lines
Props
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