((Don Mega)) vs. Jay-Rede - OpenMic

[Noggah]

10-12 bars due this Friday..
Please vote on some battles

[DoN-MeGa]

"Stay leaning like the tower of piza?"

[Jay-Rede]

check... ima write now

The Secret

"get away, your not welcome", thats what they're telling me,
say they need to authorise like a book that can see.. (author eyes)
at the back of my mind, its the instinct of a crime,
trying to enter the code, though the pass isnt mine,
im lying to myself, gotta get a grip and hold it,
under pressure, cracking, shit, this pig's got me folding,
theres nowhere to turn, no one to help me,
scoping down the wire, grab the money, im wealthy,
hacking accounts, and stacking it up from stock breakers,
running with the dough, like athleticly formed bakers,
and for a moment of silence, and listening from distance,
comes the high pitch of sirens, and blast me in an instance,
so tragic, i've past it, its not the way it should be,
"lets have it, get your ass kicked" the motherfucker shook me,
residing behind bars, to spend the rest of my day's with,
a bold man named "Frank" and his dick he likes to play with,
sarcastic bastard uniforms, and downer damned cellies,
with pockets full of jonnies, playing poker for the pennies,
and visits from the missus "please dont cry for me"
but make sure you know that "the secret dies with me"

[DoN-MeGa]

Ughh, another midterm done today. Next friday is my last one, so after that, it's gametime. Well here's another key. By the way, I wanted to get this in earliar because you did a great job posting early - I was too stressed for time, sorry.
Goodluck.

The History of the Don


Now I'm a star. You'd think I was brought up by fire after reading my bars...
Although I once thought,
I been hot since exposure - like the solar system's introduction of mars!...
I came into the game with scars - losing battles with simple line after simple line...
'Remembering the times'... I couldn't think outside the box - like an enclosed mime...
Raps weren't worth a dime, with crap such as "Ya rhymes like O.J simpson not comitting a crime!.."
I was blind...

A future unable to look bright, over a crystal ball during a solar eclipse...
but check this... Since the dawn of time - I loved to diss...
Entered battlewarz as a fresh face - with nervs and excitment like a nerds first spelling b...
But in reality... I only won battles back then by no show or friends voting for me...
Yet to become a textcee, I chose to leave, as I was introduced to Hip Hop Air Play...
Portrayed my hunger to get better, recieved more feed than a fat surveyor - on thanksgiving day!...
But the site later decayed - So I was forced into hopping aboard the Hollafront stream....
Ish felt different from the jump na'mean? - With more talent than the '92 Dream team!...
Didn't stay active there, quit for 2 years, came back without fear, and joined Rapflava, here...
And now I'm about make everyone scared to cross me - like driving into a wild deer!...


Present Battlin' Mentality.

it's all expected, his rhymes get neglected, - cause his work just isn't respected...
Need a little toning up...
I'll give this fonejacker a taste of his own medicine - just to show his lines' are disconnected!...
Now your self-esteem's affected... Because you've realized that you'll never succeed...
Acting as a father-figure to this clown - Is the only time I'd be proud to see Jay read!...

Vote up folks.

[Jay-Rede]

uppin - gdluck

[Pembroke]

- Vote Complete -

Jay-Rede - Those last three bars were nice! If you had that same flow and the same solidity of those last three the verse would be complete. Your beginning and your middle felt weakly constructed. The concepts were loosely put together, like the author eyes line for instance, it's not a book that can see it's the writer of the book that can see. The rhyme scheme was kind of dull, and then it picked up on that final section. Altogether, the effort was there. Good job..

Don-Mega - Still into punchlines, I see.. I'll break this down bar by bar.

Now I'm a star. You'd think I was brought up by fire after reading my bars...
Although I once thought,
I been hot since exposure - like the solar system's introduction of mars!...

I don't know about this, Mercury would be the most accurate choice for a hot planet.

I came into the game with scars - losing battles with simple line after simple line...
'Remembering the times'... I couldn't think outside the box - like an enclosed mime...

Decent.

Raps weren't worth a dime, with crap such as "Ya rhymes like O.J simpson not comitting a crime!.."
I was blind...
A future unable to look bright, over a crystal ball during a solar eclipse...
but check this... Since the dawn of time - I loved to diss...

This is actually sparking interest.. will it endure?

Entered battlewarz as a fresh face - with nervs and excitment like a nerds first spelling b...
But in reality... I only won battles back then by no show or friends voting for me...

Eh.

Yet to become a textcee, I chose to leave, as I was introduced to Hip Hop Air Play...
Portrayed my hunger to get better, recieved more feed than a fat surveyor - on thanksgiving day!...

The rhythm here is awkward and too prolonged. If you say it aloud it comes out in a forced chirp at the end to meet the ends of the rhythm. You're still elevating.. feedback is just feedback unless you use it.

But the site later decayed - So I was forced into hopping aboard the Hollafront stream....
Ish felt different from the jump na'mean? - With more talent than the '92 Dream team!...

Okay.

Didn't stay active there, quit for 2 years, came back without fear, and joined Rapflava, here...
And now I'm about make everyone scared to cross me - like driving into a wild deer!...

Having text heads like you around is a good thing..

Present Battlin' Mentality.

it's all expected, his rhymes get neglected, - cause his work just isn't respected...
Need a little toning up...
I'll give this fonejacker a taste of his own medicine - just to show his lines' are disconnected!...

Decent idea with the execution.

Now your self-esteem's affected... Because you've realized that you'll never succeed...
Acting as a father-figure to this clown - Is the only time I'd be proud to see Jay read!...

Cool one.

Don, you know how to write a battle verse, and writing an open mic verse with a battle verse in it is still progress, though you meet the same basis of elevation. Go all out with your punchlines.. try incorporating images into your disses, storylines into the ordinary, and start creating worlds, manning battering rams of language. That's all the advice I can give as of now.. keep doing it.

v/ Jay-Rede

For a more successful, balanced verse.

[Ruck]

JR - first bar came off forced - this verse was up and down, some cool little ideas and some not so, i didnt really like the whole topic of the open mic, it kinda bored me, but for some positive feedback i can def notice the elevation through the thought out lines which some are quite complex. Decent verse but if it were me for an open mic against don i woulda brought somethin fun.

DD - its an open mic.......lol, alright, the style is a bit like mine, i like to use punchlines in open mics and topicals, just here and there, like little jabs with creative whips. I dont know why you wrote the whole thing with punches and in the part where you 'dissed' JR most of the ideas were played to shit or just plain boring, like the disconnect the phonejacker, that was just un-needed in an open mic battle. Some cool ideas though like the OJ line. But mostly it was an overall EHHHHHHH verse, yadig? i think you need to shorten your lines because when im reading it, by the time i get to the punch or second rhyming word, the flow is gone, and i have to reread the previous line to get it.

good battle - stay up.

vote - Jay Rede

[Jay-Rede]

thanks 2-0
uppin

[Xylo]

After reading both verses i came away with a better feeling towards Don- megas verse it just seemed a lot more personal to me .

his verse brought the reader on the journey from where he started to where he is now and i thought it was cool it just seemed more realistic.
As usual Don Brings an unconventional style and format but if you read it as i did you may see that its a much better verse. (IMHO)


Jay -Redes verse was ok but seem pretty basic and i was unimpressed except for one line
but to me one line does not equate to a win.

Vote= DM

Xylophone

[JohanSantana]

Jay-Rede: Didn't like your verse too much. For a typical open mic piece, your wording, rhyme scheme/structure, and creativity were all rather simple/dull. The lines you tried to get more creative with (with metaphors n such) were sorta lame... like the author eyes line or the athleticly formed bakers shit. Keep at it though.


Don Mega: Didn't like your structure... the wording and rhyme scheme weren't smooth... no multis or anything. Like Rede, your metaphors n such were a bit lame as well... like the enclosed mime line or the fat surveyor thing. Your last line was probably the only individual line that was decent.

Vote: Don Mega. Pretty close battle... neither had anything spectacular... both were rather simple with the complexity of their rhyme schemes, wording, and creativity in the verses. Uhhh... but I guess I just identified with Mega's approach more-so than Rede. Plus Mega had some decent individual lines. So I'mma go with Mega.

[Don Dotta]

Battle was decent..


Jay jay-I liked your approach here,i was feelin the imagery and everything else about your verse..couple bars were ehh but the rest was good flow nd on point throughout..

Originally Posted by Jay Rede

sarcastic bastard uniforms, and downer damned cellies,
with pockets full of jonnies, playing poker for the pennies,
and visits from the missus "please dont cry for me"
but make sure you know that "the secret dies with me"

Feelin this here,among other bars..

outta 10................................................ ........7.0



Mega Man-Your verse was just ok in my eye's..honestly i thought some of the bars could have been shorter.the 2n part of the verse i wasnt really feelin at all..i was losin the flow in some brs and there really was nothing interestin about it to me..no hate at all,i see that your working hard to elevate n you get respect for that....

Originally Posted by Don-Mega

Now I'm a star. You'd think I was brought up by fire after reading my bars...
Although I once thought,
I been hot since exposure - like the solar system's introduction of mars!...

I was feelin this but after this bar you srta fell off,ya had a decent idea for the way you'd approach the battle but ya didnt end up where i thought ya would....


Outta 10................................................ ...........................................5.5







Vote:Jay Rede

[Jay-Rede]

^^ thanks man... 3-2 to myself... lets get some vet votes in here!!!

[Aesir]

Jay - Decent topic and the content backed it up. Flow was off until the very end bars. Liked most of your wordplay, but the authorize line was pretty stretched to me. Overall, nice showing fam.

Don - You seem to get a little bit better everytime you post, even if you rushed this. Usually not too big of a fan of bragging pieces, but this was was pretty good. Had some decent punches and your flow was a bit better than normal. Still need to work on either putting more multies in there or shortening the bars. That way you can keep the flow going.

Vote - Don

Breakdown: His verse was just more entertaining to me. Both of you were pretty even on this so I just had to go with which one pleased me more.

[DoN-MeGa]

3-3 in this mug. Thanks for all the voters who have voted in this badboy so far.
Need some more votes, uppin'.

And to pembroke or w/e, it's funny, I'm just learning to do openmics and topicals. For example, last week vs xylo was the first typical piece I wrote in my life lol.

[Jay-Rede]

good battle don 3-3

upperz