Creativity on the Open Mic Scribble up a verse or collab? Post it, and get feedback here in text format.
YOU MUST reply to two other Open Mics before starting yours. Include both links of the Open Mics you replied to at the top of your new thread. | 
11-17-2006, 02:31 AM
|
#1 (permalink)
| | Save.Your.Self
Join Date: May 2005 Location: Washington DC
Posts: 3,363
|  Death B4 Dishonor
he charged forth, unsheathing his sword, seek to destroy
the boy as his blade seeps through his core
he fought a lil more then collapsed to the floor
she screamed as he killed the one her passion was for
his eyes fastened on the queen, in the rapture of things
guards dashed in on the scene as he gathered a swing
took a spear to the knee still he managed to cling
to the sword, in remembering the oath that he swore
"protect the king from enemies and fortunate whores"
killed the 3rd guard as the King bolts through the door
He was followed by the Calvary force
Oblivious to the slaughter, as they trampled a corpse
They surrounded Ophylus the head of the knights
One rushed in and got impaled by his knife
Another dashed from the back and 2 from the front
He dodged one blade but took 2 to the gut
Subdued on the floor, the King examined the sights
Yet couldn’t figure why O was attacking his wife
He spied a body by his queen where the dieing begun
Shock overcame his face it was Ophylus’ son
"Why’d you kill your son, This I gotta know"
"I’d rather see him die before he dishonored the Throne" | 
|  | |
11-17-2006, 12:04 PM
|
#2 (permalink)
| | like a pimp
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 79
Rep Power: 4  | Re: Death B4 Dishonor
loved this piece, it was dope start to finish, the flow was on point and you stayed on topic. fav lines:
he fought a lil more then collapsed to the floor
she screamed as he killed the one her passion was for
He was followed by the Calvary force
Oblivious to the slaughter, as they trampled a corpse
They surrounded Ophylus the head of the knights
One rushed in and got impaled by his knife
very nice piece. keep it up. | |
| | |
11-17-2006, 03:44 PM
|
#3 (permalink)
| | The General
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 790
Rep Power: 4 | Re: Death B4 Dishonor
I second that.
__________________
Get a wire not even Kanye could spit through
You're broke as fuck;
In ya Little Brother outfit like Phonte and Big Pooh
Bitch, I meditate with steel kitanas;
Completely separate your head from your body
There's no better way to feel Nirvana | |
| | |
11-17-2006, 06:08 PM
|
#4 (permalink)
| | Save.Your.Self
Join Date: May 2005 Location: Washington DC
Posts: 3,363
| Re: Death B4 Dishonor
^I hate you | |
| | |
11-17-2006, 08:10 PM
|
#5 (permalink)
| | morphemes vitality
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 217
Rep Power: 3 | Re: Death B4 Dishonor
great topic, I was really feeling the imagery and the emotion on this piece flow was on point, and overall It was a solid written, I enjoy reading your stuff fam, keep doing your thing.
favorite lines
-------------------
guards dashed in on the scene as he gathered a swing
took a spear to the knee still he managed to cling
to the sword, in remembering the oath that he swore
"protect the king from enemies and fortunate whores"
and the closing was excellent, keep doing your thing. | |
| | |
11-18-2006, 12:59 AM
|
#6 (permalink)
| | Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: over your head
Posts: 3,915
| Re: Death B4 Dishonor
Great verse, it was an almost cinematic, fast paced scene. You still managed to produce a story without elaborating on the situation unfolding.. you're the biggest challenge I've faced in the RFBL topicals so far. Good luck when we rematch.
He was followed by the Calvary force
^Cavalry*
his eyes fastened on the queen, in the rapture of things
guards dashed in on the scene as he gathered a swing
^Dope bar.
Stay up
Last edited by Pembroke; 11-18-2006 at 01:01 AM.
| |
| | |
11-18-2006, 01:33 PM
|
#7 (permalink)
| | Fresh Air
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 229
Rep Power: 3 | Re: Death B4 Dishonor
he charged forth, unsheathing his sword, seek to destroy
the boy as his blade seeps through his core
he fought a lil more then collapsed to the floor
she screamed as he killed the one her passion was for
^^Some movie type shit.nice tho | |
| | |
11-20-2006, 12:15 PM
|
#8 (permalink)
| | Save.Your.Self
Join Date: May 2005 Location: Washington DC
Posts: 3,363
| Re: Death B4 Dishonor
thanx | |
| | |
11-20-2006, 04:05 PM
|
#9 (permalink)
| | Sound Familar?
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 162
Rep Power: 4 | Re: Death B4 Dishonor
shitz dope, fav line was the one i ghost writted for you though! ightz stay up 1,2,3 luv
__________________ 7 points ridin high
6 points die in drive by
Last Murked: Criticize - Pokemon Battle! ( K.O.) | |
| | |
11-22-2006, 12:57 AM
|
#10 (permalink)
| | Speech From The Streets
Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Inglewood
Posts: 30
Rep Power: 0  | Re: Death B4 Dishonor
he charged forth, unsheathing his sword, seek to destroy
the boy as his blade seeps through his core
he fought a lil more then collapsed to the floor
she screamed as he killed the one her passion was for
^^hot start right here , nice flow with good multies and word choice
his eyes fastened on the queen, in the rapture of things
guards dashed in on the scene as he gathered a swing
took a spear to the knee still he managed to cling
to the sword, in remembering the oath that he swore
"protect the king from enemies and fortunate whores"
killed the 3rd guard as the King bolts through the door
^^flow here is beautiful...very fluent indeed
this is the first piece I have gotten at and it's dope Kahlm.everything from flow to content to imagery to story telling is tight in this drop without doubt.this a real good topic choice and you stayed on point from start to finish painting beautiful pictures thru words , very enjoyable man.
respect. | |
| | |
11-22-2006, 07:20 PM
|
#11 (permalink)
| | Save.Your.Self
Join Date: May 2005 Location: Washington DC
Posts: 3,363
| Re: Death B4 Dishonor
thanx fam | |
| | |
11-22-2006, 07:58 PM
|
#12 (permalink)
| | Down Unda
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,253
Rep Power: 11 | Re: Death B4 Dishonor
This was good man, I like how you keep to a sound.
Alot of my pieces end up like.. a sound, rhyme it then link it into the next bar, different sound
rhyme it, link it to the next bar, etc...
But for the first part of this you start with sword/core for/floor then switch to swing/thing
then its back to the swore/whore. Creates a good flow because that sound is fresh in your
audiences mind.
Cool concept/topic too.
__________________
Creative as 'Fuck' | |
| |
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | | | | Thread Tools | | | | Display Modes |  Linear Mode |
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts
HTML code is On | | |
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:18 PM.
|
users 
