I on the other hand loved the way the rhyme schemes were structured. Especially for the internal/externals and the way they intertwined. My recomendation would be for you to start writing about how precise you are at launching tomahawks through church windows, knife fighting locomotions, motorcycle racing with serrated boomerangs, etc.
Anyways you pretty much ripped it with this.
Quote:
as night falls on the corner, empty cans form a
way out from reality, escapin' the tragedy
of everyday existin', facin the fact that he
could never turn shit back round, make it back to being
happy and free, now he's sittin alone
seein theives hit the store for a quick bit of dough
in a moment of clarity, picks up the phone
shakin hand taps 911, lets em know
on the inside a shakin hand taps the register
hands over his hard earned cash, hopes theyll exit the
door quick and dissapear back to the shade
of alleyways and crack pipes, fights and black nights
but as they leave the store seein blue lights flashin
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The confidence you flare with the way you break lines is pretty close to the best I've seen. The story writing is perfectly matched by the atmosphere. So pretty much you've done what you do best again.